Dad!
Daphne!
Anybody home?
(Plays a serene classical melody)
(lmprovises a clichéd intro )
(Repeats his intro )
(Hurriedly reverts to playing classical music )
- You're making a big deal of this. - Dad, l've never seen Maris this angry.
Her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
When your mother got mad, l'd bend her backwards and give her a kiss.
l can't do that with Maris. She has rigid vertebrae. She'd snap.
Maris moved into the east wing again?
Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said she wanted no acknowledgement.
ln a moment l live over and over in my dreams, l believed her!
No gifts, no party, no nothing?
Say that weeping into a lap robe and you've got her down perfectly.
- Get her perfume. - She gets hives.
- Candy? - Hypoglycaemic.
- A dozen roses? - Allergic.
Just sit her down and tell her it was a mistake.
She's touchy about her age. lt's not the first time she's turned 40.
l know. l'll throw a big party this weekend.
A costume ball with a Louis XlV theme,
right down to the wigs and velvet pantaloons.
l presume you both have colds?
And so it goes.
Did you find a book lying around? The station manager loaned it to me.
''The Life of Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree''. A history of English theatre.
You caught me. lt got it hidden under my pillow.
Try to be helpful. l promised l'd return it today.
Ask Daphne. She wanted something to put her to sleep.
That book could put her into a coma!
- Dr Crane! - Daphne!
What are you doing in my room?
You were out. Not that l come in here when you're out.
l came in to get my book. Which l have, you see.
We'll just be going.
Me and my book. See Frasier go.
Nadia, tell Mrs Crane l want to speak to her and don't take no for an answer.
Then tell her Dr Crane says please, please, please, please...
- Maris hung up on you? - She's got Nadia doing her dirty work.
Nadia is Maris's hatchet maid.
What happened to the French guy party?
Disaster too. A branch of Maris' family was slaughtered by the Huguenots.
Let's forget about Maris and have a nice meal in a convivial atmosphere.
- What is she mad about? - Beats me.
Your favourite, Mr Crane. Creamed onions.
And Dr Crane, special glazed carrots just for you.
You, carve!
We don't know what she's mad at but we know who.
lf anyone needs me l'll be in me room.
You know where that is!
- What did you do? - l went into her bedroom.
Frasier, how could you!
No matter how irresistible the urge to press your face against the door,
to actually feel the grain of the wood against your cheek,
it must be fought!
l went in to retrieve my book.
- You're not supposed to go in there. - What's the big deal?
- She doesn't like people in there. - l let her in my room.
- Women are different. - That's sexism.
No, it's 35 years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy.
You never go in their handbags. lt's always, ''Bring me my purse.''
A husband is being robbed at gunpoint and has no money.
The wife still says, ''Bring me my purse.''
Your homespun wisdom has pricked the balloon of Frasier's pomposity.
You were wrong, so go in there and apologise. Go on.
All right. l'll go into Daphne's room and l will apologise to her.
Alone, Niles!
- Yes? - Daphne, it's Dr Crane.
Yes.
Could you open the door, please?
l behaved very insensitively this morning and...
l did need the book but it was wrong of me to go in without your permission...
...and l'm sorry.
lt'll never happen again.
Ever.
l'm being very nice.
Well, good night, Daphne.
Wait. l'm being much too hard on you.
l'm sensitive about my privacy.
No need to explain. lt will never be an issue again.
Thank you for being so understanding.
My problem goes back to growing up in a house of boys.
My brothers were snoops. They gave me no peace.
lt was a filthy rite of passage for the Moon boys.
They'd sneak into the bathroom and peek at me in the shower.
Dear God. All eight of them?
Except for my brother Billy, the ballroom dancer.
He never peeked at me. Though he did peek at my brother Nigel.
(Frasier) Coffee, Dad? (Martin) Why not?
l'm up six times a night. l might as well be alert.
Jeez, the disposal's jammed.
Stick your hand down there and see what's stuck, will you?
Dad, it's me, Niles.
l can't get my hand in.
Punish a man for being fine-boned.
- Sure it's off? - Positive.
Move away from the switch.
lt's wet and slimy. Like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell.
(Grinder whirs)
Call me when the coffee's ready.
- Sorry, Niles. - That's enough excitement.
- l'm going home to Maris. - She's speaking to you?
No but she tires of being frosty to the help.
l'm out of cash. l need something to tip your garage attendant.
Oh, great. These pills.
l was thinking money but you know him better than l do.
No, no. Daphne's prescription.
When l was in her room l must have inadvertently...
knocked them into my pocket.
An interesting phenomenon.
l can't go into a drugstore without aspirin leaping into my trousers.
OK, l was snooping around a little bit.
Oh, God. ''Take one before bedtime''. She'll miss these.
- You off, Dr Crane? - Yes, l am.
- Say hello to your wife. - l'll try.
Mr Crane, time for your exercises.
Great. l'll just put these back in her room.
Alone, Niles!
The game's on. l'll exercise tomorrow.
Fine. l'll be in my room.
- You'll do double tomorrow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grumpy old sod.
(Daphne sings)
What're you doing? That's disgusting!
You filthy thing. Get out!
Daphne, l'm so sorry!
Good morning, Frasier.
Cara mia, un mezzo latte decaffeinato and a bran muffin.
No, no... due bran muffins.
Maris and l burned up a lot of energy last night. A lot of energy.
l have to replenish ma body.
You achieved détente?
Twice.
What did you say to melt your little glacier?
l stared deeply into her eyes and said,
''Maris, here are the keys to your new Mercedes.''
You bought her a Mercedes.
Yes. The things that tiny woman can do when motivated.
lf you're done marinating in your testosterone, l have a problem.
Remember l went back into Daphne's room?
- She caught me again. - You're joking!
l was so embarrassed, l left before she awoke. l wrote a note to explain.
Considering the circumstances, how can she forgive me?
lt wasn't as bad as all that.
lt's not like you saw her naked or something.
You did!
l took no pleasure in it at all. The entire thing was mortifying.
l want to help you, so tell me everything before you explode.
No, Niles!
l'll show you how l imagine her and you tell me where l'm wrong.
Stop it. Put your pen away!
- Hey, guys. - Hello, Roz, good to see you.
So, Niles, you randy dog. You got lucky last night, didn't you?
l can always tell.
Don't worry. You'll meet somebody.
A non-fat cap, please.
Roz, this was private. l'm helping with a matter of some delicacy.
Don't worry. Shower boy told me about it.
How can l make this up to Daphne?
Nothing says sorry like an in-dash CD player and a passenger airbag.
Maris was upset so he bought her a Mercedes.
You're suggesting l buy my way out. That's the coward's way out.
- So l'm a coward? - Yes.
Well, l'm a coward with a hickey.
Buy me a Mercedes, l'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.
Don't encourage him! Bribery is the wrong way to resolve conflicts.
During which failed marriage did you hone that theory?
How dare you, considering your non-marriage!
Dr Crane, l'm glad to see you. l need some advice.
l got this son who's a total numbnut.
Hello, Dad. Love your icebreaker.
Get her to stay. She knows my moods and l like her.
- She's talking about quitting? - Yeah, so get in there and apologise.
Dad, l can't go in there.
No you can't, because l asked you to.
l said, ''Don't go,'' you went. l say, ''Go,'' you won't.
Unlike Eddie, he does what l say. Come on, Eddie.
He's defying you too, Dad.
Daphne, please wait. We've got to talk. l feel terrible.
Dr Crane, your note explained everything.
You've nothing to feel bad about.
- That puts my mind at ease. - We servants don't deserve privacy.
Matter of fact, why don't we get it out in the open?
Here's my bank book, letters, and my driver's licence.
You see l'm 4lbs heavier now,
but it's in a spot that doesn't show...to most people!
l realise it's hard to live in someone else's home.
Yes, it is. But l put up with it because l happen to love this job.
All l ever asked for was one room, a little corner l could call my own.
l never minded l was up to my eyeballs
in your earth tones and African knick-knacks.
But l have to put up with you and that's a leering love god too many!
Oh, Daphne. You're right, you do deserve a place of your own.
lf you stay, l'll pay to have your room redecorated.
Just make it your own. Paint, wallpaper. Anything so you feel comfortable.
How about an electrified fence and a German police dog?
l promise as long as we live under the same roof,
l'll never set foot in your room again.
- All right. - Thank you.
- l'll give it another try. - (Doorbell)
- Hello. - Hello and goodbye, Dr Crane.
- Where are you off to? - Shopping.
Your brother offered to have my room redecorated.
Really?
l'm thinking of doing the whole thing in pinks and yellows.
She's really determined to keep me out of there.
So...you're putting things right by opening your chequebook.
l know what you're thinking. lt's just a gesture.
l give Maris a car, it's a bribe. You decorate Daphne's room, it's a gesture.
lt's different. You bought Maris off because you are afraid of her.
And you're not the slightest bit intimidated by Daphne.
So you won't be alarmed if l do this.
Niles, where are you going?
- My foot's in Daphne's room. - Get out.
Afraid you'll get in...trouble?
- Now we're safe. - Stop it!
Trouble...safe...trouble...safe.
Niles, you're acting like a child.
- Trouble, safe, trouble, safe... - See what you've done.
Oh, well, so you'll just write her a bigger, fatter cheque.
No, Niles, she'll quit!
- What! Why didn't you say? - Oh, you spilled...
- What the hell are you doing? - lt's Niles's fault.
Daphne, did you see that sporty little sub-compact over there?
ls that a Mercedes dealership across the street?
# Hey baby, l hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# Quite stylish!
# And maybe l seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but l got you pegged
# But l don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# They're calling again #
Good night everybody!